lol

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

Mayor Marion Barry

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?

Sal Davino

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."

George Burns

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."Richard Jeni "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

Dick Cavett

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Brooke Shields

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

Mark Twain

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

Groucho Marx

"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."

Top chef Raymond Blanc

"It's OK for him to pounce about in the kitchen spending hours cooking, but I bet he doesn't have to juggle picking up the kids from school and running a house."

An un-named mother's response to M. Blanc

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

Albert Einstein

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."

Stephen King

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

Mark Twain

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

George Burns

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."

United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

Homer Simpson

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."

Winston Churchill

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend . Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx

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"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."

Joan Rivers

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"

Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

Rita Mae Brown

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

George Globol

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Tommy Cooper

"Security puts a premium on feebleness."

H.G. Wells

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."

Eddie Izzard

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."

Oscar Wilde

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

Spike Milligan